by Brian Mullen
IT CAME! Itcameitcameitcameitcame!
(Envelope ripping, paper rustling)
Dear So-Called Author:
We received your query letter and we all had a good laugh over it. Unfortunately, the only contract we would consider is one we would put on any of your characters who survived to the end of your novel. Please see (and honor) the enclosed Police Restraining Order. Thank you.
Literary Agent (But not yours)
P.S. Sorry for sending you a form letter.
No! No, no, no, no, NO! There must be some mistake! They must have read some other author’s query letter and not mine! It’s Grisham, isn’t it? He’s always trying to sabotage my work because he knows I’ll write rings around him if I ever get the chance. Well, that’s fine you stupid idiots. I wouldn’t let you represent me if you were the last literary agency on Earth!
It must be THEM!
(Picks up phone)
Look, you have to give me another chance. I can make your agency millions! Maybe if you read my query letter again while I massaged your feet you would…what? Oh, hi, Mom. No, nothing’s new. Yes, I’m eating right. Yes, I’m washing behind my ears. Okay, bye.
Oh, who am I kidding? I couldn’t write my way out of a paper bag! I should just give it all up and become a medical test subject! Maybe they’re accepting applications on-line.
(Turns on computer)
DING! "You’ve got mail."
This is an automated message generated by “PUBLISH ENVY: The Website for Writer Wannabes!”
We’ve added a new listing to our literary agency.
Oh, yeah, baby! This is it! This is the one! I know exactly what to send them. I need an envelope. I need STAMPS! I wonder what their name is?
Shatter Your Dreams Literary Agency
I’ve got a good feeling about them!