Saturday, October 28, 2006

We Writers Can Grieve Pretty Quickly

by Brian Mullen


IT CAME! Itcameitcameitcameitcame!

(Envelope ripping, paper rustling)

Dear So-Called Author:

We received your query letter and we all had a good laugh over it. Unfortunately, the only contract we would consider is one we would put on any of your characters who survived to the end of your novel. Please see (and honor) the enclosed Police Restraining Order. Thank you.

Sincerely yours,

Hope Crusher
Literary Agent (But not yours)

P.S. Sorry for sending you a form letter.

No! No, no, no, no, NO! There must be some mistake! They must have read some other author’s query letter and not mine! It’s Grisham, isn’t it? He’s always trying to sabotage my work because he knows I’ll write rings around him if I ever get the chance. Well, that’s fine you stupid idiots. I wouldn’t let you represent me if you were the last literary agency on Earth!

(Phone rings)

It must be THEM!

(Picks up phone)

Look, you have to give me another chance. I can make your agency millions! Maybe if you read my query letter again while I massaged your feet you would…what? Oh, hi, Mom. No, nothing’s new. Yes, I’m eating right. Yes, I’m washing behind my ears. Okay, bye.

(Hangs up)

Oh, who am I kidding? I couldn’t write my way out of a paper bag! I should just give it all up and become a medical test subject! Maybe they’re accepting applications on-line.

(Turns on computer)

DING! "You’ve got mail."

This is an automated message generated by “PUBLISH ENVY: The Website for Writer Wannabes!”

We’ve added a new listing to our literary agency.

Oh, yeah, baby! This is it! This is the one! I know exactly what to send them. I need an envelope. I need STAMPS! I wonder what their name is?

Shatter Your Dreams Literary Agency

I’ve got a good feeling about them!


Anonymous said...
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Gina said...

This must really be the pits. All those rejections, and the only comment on your blog is from a spammer! But you left out the rejections where they only write NO! across the top of the cover letter and send it all back . . .

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

I woke up to the first rejection of this round of querying.

I am feeling your pain this morning. Totally.

mike said...

LOL! Brian, sounds like you've been the recipient of one too many rejection letters. But I admire your attitude...and just love your sense of humor. Now, about that spammer...grrrrrrrr!

Tory said...

In terms of medical test subjects, I can offer you some of those opportunities at my new job. (I tend to be involved in the ones that don't require drawing blood.)

Kristine said...

LOL! Funny blog this morning, Brian. Not so funny about the rejections, though.

Cathy said...

Better to laugh than cry. You summed it up very nicely. Do you realize that if there weren't any writers, these literary agency people wouldn't have jobs? It seems like we should be the ones getting wined and dined. Isn't it all backwards?

Had a good laugh. Thanks, Brian.

Anonymous said...

i have nearly wallpapered my entire bedroom with rejection notices over the years. the project is coming along nicely.

Joyce said...


This is hysterical! And oh so true!

Noelle Ashley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Noelle Ashley said...

I learned rejection isn't personal at age 13 from all the acting auditions I went on up until I gave it up to focus exclusively on writing.
Thanks for a good laugh. Rejection's a part of the game we need to expect.
-Noelle Ashley

Anonymous said...

hehehehehehe, I found a link to you guys on Susan's blog. (Thanks Susan!)

I'm really enjoying it here!