Dear Pitty Pat,
I hate the holidays. I won’t go into details, but my opinions about the real “reason for the season” could stomp the joy out of even the happiest of elves. Because my true feelings about Christmas are toxic, capable "of chilling and killing," I keep them to myself, stowed away in an unopened, lead box.
My problem is that my humbug attitude has become widely known among my acquaintances and they insist on trying to instill the holiday spirit in me. How do I escape this seasonal heckling and still have friends in the spring?
Are there any snow-topped hills, preferable with a cave, near Whereverthehellvilleyoulive?
But, if you can't hide, you can run. Try this: Whenever anybody broaches the happy holiday topic, dash off on a holiday errand, the more repulsive the better, you don’t want tagalongs on your fake frolic.
“Oh, you just reminded me! I have to cut up last year’s Christmas cards and hot glue them to the toilet seat lid.”
“Gosh, sure love to sit and get all misty-eyed about the approaching Yule, but I’ve got to run out to Mars for the Holiday craft show. They’re featuring crocheted doorknob covers, want to come? The blizzard doesn’t looks that bad…”
“Sorry! Holiday pageant. The first grade is playing Little Drummer Boy on coffee cans with metal spoons. Adorable!”
..And Grinchy, remember Christmas comes but once a year, suck it up.