by Brian Mullen
Dear Santa and/or Wal-Mart,
I have been especially good this year. Well, okay, there was the little incident with the goat at the petting zoo but he started it. I have two witnesses willing to testify on my behalf - and one of them was even there. Yeah, okay, I'll even admit the knife fight with the Sisters of Charity was probably uncalled for, but you have to admit their "marketing strategy" was more than a tad aggressive. Personally, I think appointing Sister Mary Soprano to be in charge of the organization was a mistake and I told them so (through our lawyers of course). But taking the year and averaging everything out, I think my behavior falls unquestionably on the nice side. Thus I think I have earned a few paltry tokens. Please pay special attention to the make and model in the following and, where applicable, please make sure it comes with a full tank of gasoline.
#1. A new whiteboard. I promise I have learned my lesson(s). I was unfamiliar with the concept the last time you got me one of these or I never would have started using White-Out at all. And I will never trust the internet again with it's questionable "alternative methods" for cleaning. As you recall, everyone made it out of the house before the fire department arrived. No harm, no foul.
#2. A new laptop computer. I've done some research, Santa, and I've discovered that just because a computer technically fits on your lap, doesn't make it a laptop. So, nice try - but I want a real one this year.
#3. An agent. Oh, and this year, if you buy him early, put some friggin holes in the box! That lack of attention to detail can ruin a Christmas morning.
#4. A completed, brand new manuscript by Michael Crichton only unsigned and he doesn't remember that he wrote it. I promise not to inquire further.
#5. A complete set of all the books by all the great literary masters. This is the kind of thing I think I should have in my library. Oh, that reminds me.
#6. A library. A PRIVATE library, mind you. There's nothing more frustrating than wandering around in your pjs going to get a book to read only to find seven people waiting to check out.
#7. Peace on Earth, Good will towards men. If you can't get to this one, I understand. The list is kind of long.
Thanks in advance for all the swell stuff. I also want to apologize for the treats I left out last year. I meant to buy you some M&M cookies but I inadvertantly wandered into the "adult" store by mistake. I know the S&M cookies were rather painful to chew but the guy at the store said most people like that kind of thing.