During the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season; the crowds, the lines, the overpriced crap, I am often filled with what can only be called a murderous rage by my fellow man. My Christmas wish is for a humane but effective "catch and release" system for dispatching with these irritants.
Here’s one idea.
Everyone would be issued a dart gun; the kind with the suction cup tips, and be allocated three darts per quarter. The darts can be used on anyone who has gotten on your last nerve. For example: The lady in front of you at Subway who’s arguing on a cell phone the culinary virtues of jalapeno vs. banana peppers as the sandwich maker stands idling awaiting the outcome of this debate.
“Pa-TING!” right in the forehead.
Once a dart has been dispatched the “darted one” must go to the DeDarting Station to have the dart removed and their crime documented. Nightly polls of the day’s offenses would be read on the evening news, much like the pollution index of old.
“85% of all ‘darted’ people were on their cell phone when they were darted, 10% received multiple darts, with one woman receiving a record 23 hits as she clumsily scanned her groceries with one hand while repeatedly saying “uh, huh” into a cell phone.”
Once you’ve been darted three times you have to attend a mandatory Public Manners Seminar.
Legislators would use darting statistics to determine public policy. For example, it would become illegal to make any retail returns during the holiday season, if you bought it, it’s yours until after the New Year. Another new law would be that cashiers would not be permitted to have fake fingernails so long that they have to use pencils to ring up sales and apply stickum to their elbows to make change. And, of course, sloppy parking would be criminalized; straddling two spaces, wedging your fat SUV up against some poor, defenseless, granola-burning Prius so close they driver has to climb in the hatch, and sitting in the fire lane, burning fossil fuel, waiting on Aunt Minnie, (who’s in no particular hurry) --all would be elevated from the merely oafish to the felonious.
For really big crimes --murder, rape, and driving like a moron because you’re on your phone-- we still need the state to bring out the hammer, but for the little every day crimes of manners (pa-TING!), vigilantism would be swell.
by Pat Hart